Menopause is mainstream - but who's talking about grief and loss?

Thankfully menopause has lost much of its stigma, with celebrities aplenty sharing their experiences and a plethora of experts sharing advice through books, TV and social media.  The symptoms are more openly discussed and the mental health impacts - anxiety, brain fog, low mood - are increasingly talked about.  Of course, it can only be a good thing to move something that happens to 51% of the population out of the shadows, to help people feel seen and less alone. But there is part of menopause that seems to be less acknowledged, and that is the grief and loss many face in entering this new chapter of life.  

Previous generations, referred to menopause as “the change” and whilst this euphemism served to sanitise and minimise, it did perhaps capture one important element.  Women often feel an overriding sense of change to who they are.  No longer of child bearing age, whether this was part of a woman’s identity or not, it is nevertheless something that is taken from them without their control.  In the same way as relationship breakdowns, illness or job loss may be accompanied by feelings we would typically associate with bereavement, so too can this shift in a woman’s life bring with it grief and loss.  Facing unanswerable questions and making sense of who we are now may be a part of menopause that we aren’t expecting and can leave us with feelings of fear, sadness, anger, shock. 

So how to navigate this?  As with all grief, it can take some time to reach a place of acceptance and that’s OK. In fact, I’d argue that’s where the work is done.  As we wind our way, backwards and forwards, navigating the waves of emotion that at times feel like they are swallowing us up, what is also happening is we are discovering who we are.  We are making sense of what is left and what is new.  Because change brings growth whether we fight it or welcome it with open arms. 

This process also makes space for us to mourn. This is different to acceptance, this is more about acknowledgement and expression and finding ways to externalise those emotions. It's the place where we connect with others and share experiences, and begin to carve out a route to healing.

For many - maybe most? - none of this is easy.  I’m grateful that it is no longer expected that women suffer alone or just muddle through, that there is advice and hormone treatments and that we can feel seen.  But I worry the emphasis is often on finding a fix, when perhaps that isn’t realistic for everyone - that for some it’s more about enduring and coping.  And that accessing the support  - as is often the case - is far harder for those suffering low mood, leaving them ill-equipped or unable to reach out or even recognise they might need support. Counselling can provide an invaluable space where instead of being “fixed”, the client can simply be who they are today - allowing them to discover what this means to them and explore the loss they might feel.

I hope if this resonates with any women out there, they can find the strength to prioritise their worth and take the brave step of asking for help if and when they need it.

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