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What do the roles we play tell us?

I’ve been thinking this week about the power of the roles we play in life. Often in counselling I notice I am searching for the real person - and this is rarely because the client themselves is hiding from me. More often their realness is hidden from themselves and of course, this is frequently the catalyst to try counselling. Carl Rogers, the founding father of person-centred counselling, teaches us that incongruence between a person’s different aspects of self is what causes distress. But it nevertheless frequently comes as a surprise to clients. 

 

In the search to discover their real self, clients sometimes find that they grasp tightly onto roles, perhaps in order to stay afloat during difficult times. Roles offer familiarity. They may come with a rule book on how to be and what’s expected. So I wonder, does this make leaning into a role - as a mother, a partner, a son - feel safer than stepping into an unknown version of self? Perhaps a welcome escape from self reflection?

 

Roles we hold dear can reveal a great deal about how we value ourselves and what we want the world to see. They can help us identify the judgements we hold and in doing so, allow us to explore what's truly ours and what's actually expectations from others or the world around us. Recognising the roles we play helps us uncover our own vulnerabilities and it can be deeply emotional to recognise how much we use these to protect ourselves and stay safe.


So, am I saying roles are unhealthy? No, I don’t think I am. They, like everything else the client experiences, are part of the growth journey. They help us make sense of who we are but also offer respite from the work of discovering self. With counselling we explore the meaning of those roles and in doing so, bring these into awareness. We invite clients to be curious about what feels truly them and whether they want to hold on to parts of them that no longer serve. Learning to accept all parts of ourselves - the good, the bad and the ugly - can help build authenticity in the roles we take on, and in turn bring that sense of peace so many of us seek.



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